The Psychology of Values: The Hidden Compass Guiding Your Life
“Our values shape every choice we make—even when we haven’t defined them clearly. This episode unpacks how values develop, how they drive behavior, and what happens when we live out of sync with them. If you’ve ever felt lost, conflicted, or unsure of your next step, your values might be the compass you’re missing.”
Transcript
Today, I want to talk about something that might seem simple on the surface but is, in reality, one of the most profound guiding forces in our lives: our values. Not the kind of values that are thrown around in corporate mission statements or tacked onto political slogans, but the real, deeply personal beliefs that shape our choices, influence our emotions, and define the way we navigate the world.
Think about it for a moment—what are your values? Not the ones you think you should have, not the ones society tells you are important, but the ones that actually govern your decisions when no one is watching. If that question feels a little difficult to answer, you’re not alone. Many people move through life without consciously identifying their values, and as a result, they sometimes find themselves feeling lost, conflicted, or unfulfilled without really knowing why.
Psychologists have studied the role of values extensively, and one of the most well-known frameworks is Schwartz’s Theory of Basic Human Values. Shalom Schwartz, a social psychologist, identified ten broad value categories that seem to be universal across cultures—things like self-direction, achievement, security, and benevolence. What’s fascinating is that while these values are shared by people around the world, the weight we place on each of them varies widely depending on our upbringing, our experiences, and even our biology.
I want to share a personal story with you. Many years ago, I faced a moment of deep uncertainty—one of those moments where you stand at a crossroads, knowing that whichever direction you take, there will be consequences. It was a professional decision, one that would require me to either take an easier, more conventional path or stand by what I believed in, even if it meant stepping into discomfort. And I remember sitting with that decision and realizing something important: the right choice wasn’t the one that led to the most immediate success or comfort—it was the one that aligned with my values.
We all face these moments, whether we recognize them as such or not. And the more clearly we understand our values, the less we’re controlled by outside pressures, fleeting emotions, or the expectations of others.
That’s what we’re going to explore today—the psychology behind values, how they shape our identity and well-being, and most importantly, how you can use them as a guiding force in your own life. Let’s start by breaking down what values actually are, how they develop, and why they are so much more than just abstract ideas.
What are values, really? We use the word all the time, but have you ever stopped to think about what it actually means?
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Values aren’t just abstract ideas or things we admire in others. They are the deeply held beliefs that shape the way we move through the world. They influence our decisions, our priorities, and even our emotional responses. And yet, many people have never taken the time to define their own values with any real clarity.
Psychologists define values as enduring, guiding principles that influence behavior and motivation. Unlike fleeting preferences, which change based on mood or circumstance, values are stable over time. They form the foundation of who we are.
Shalom Schwartz, a psychologist known for his research on values, proposed that people across cultures share a set of fundamental values. Things like self-direction—the need for independence and freedom of thought. Achievement—the drive to succeed and demonstrate competence. Security—the desire for stability and order. Benevolence—the commitment to helping others. The fascinating thing is that while these values exist in every culture, we all prioritize them differently.
So where do our values come from? Some are instilled in us early—by family, by religion, by society. Others we adopt through lived experience. Sometimes, we even reject values we were raised with after encountering new perspectives. This is why values are deeply personal. Two people can grow up in the same household, exposed to the same environment, yet walk away with completely different guiding principles.
But here’s where it gets interesting. Many of us carry values we’ve never actually examined. We might believe we value success, but if we really reflect, we may find that what we actually value is personal growth, or maybe even stability. We might say we value adventure, but what we really crave is belonging. This disconnect—between the values we think we hold and the ones we actually live by—can create internal conflict without us even realizing it.
I remember a time when I had to confront this in my own life. I had always thought I valued certainty, that having a structured plan was what gave me peace of mind. But at a critical moment, I realized that what actually mattered to me wasn’t certainty—it was integrity. It was the ability to stand behind my own decisions, even if they led to uncertainty. That realization changed the way I saw myself. It made me more conscious of the choices I was making and why they mattered.
So I want you to think about this for a moment. If I asked you to name your top three values—not the ones you admire in others, not the ones you think you should have, but the ones that truly drive your decisions—what would they be? And more importantly, do your actions reflect them?
Let’s explore that further. What happens when we live in alignment with our values, and what happens when we don’t?
When we live in alignment with our values, there’s a sense of clarity, even in difficult moments. Our choices feel more purposeful. We experience less internal conflict, because we’re not constantly second-guessing ourselves or wondering if we’re making the right decision. There’s a kind of psychological congruence that happens—we know who we are, and our actions reflect that.
On the other hand, when we live out of alignment with our values, even if we can’t quite articulate why, something feels off. We might feel unfulfilled in our careers, restless in our relationships, or just generally uneasy, like we’re moving through life on autopilot. And this isn’t just a philosophical idea—it’s something psychology has studied extensively.
One of the key concepts at play here is cognitive dissonance. This is the psychological discomfort we experience when our actions contradict our beliefs or values. Leon Festinger, the psychologist who first proposed this theory, found that when people experience dissonance, they’re motivated to resolve it—either by changing their behavior or by rationalizing it away.
For example, imagine someone who believes in honesty as a core value but frequently tells small lies to avoid conflict. Over time, that gap between belief and action creates tension. They might start justifying it—“It’s just to keep the peace” or “Everyone does it”—but deep down, they feel uneasy. That’s cognitive dissonance at work. And the bigger the gap between values and actions, the more distress it causes.
This is why people sometimes make drastic changes in their lives seemingly out of nowhere. They wake up one day and realize they’ve been chasing goals that don’t actually align with who they are. They’ve built an entire life around external expectations rather than internal truth. And when that realization hits, it can feel overwhelming—but also freeing.
There’s actually research showing that when people make decisions based on their values, they report lower stress and higher overall well-being. One study found that when individuals engaged in values affirmation—a practice where they reflect on and write about their core values—they showed increased resilience to stress and even performed better in challenging tasks. In other words, just reminding ourselves of what we truly value can have a measurable impact on our psychology.
I’ve seen this in my own life. There have been times when I had opportunities that seemed, on the surface, like the right move. More money, more recognition, more stability. But when I paused and asked myself, “Does this align with what actually matters to me?” the answer was sometimes no. And the times I ignored that voice, I felt it. Not immediately, but eventually.
So here’s something to consider: Are the decisions you’re making truly aligned with your values? Or are they driven by habit, fear, or external pressure? The difference between those two can be life-changing.
Let’s talk now about how our values help us navigate uncertainty, and why holding onto them in difficult times can be one of the most powerful psychological tools we have.
There’s something profoundly grounding about having a clear sense of your values, especially in times of uncertainty. When life becomes chaotic, when things don’t go as planned, when the world feels unpredictable, values act as an anchor. They give us something solid to hold onto, a guiding principle that helps us navigate even the most difficult circumstances.
Psychologists have found that people who maintain a strong connection to their values experience greater psychological resilience. Viktor Frankl, the Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, wrote about this in Man’s Search for Meaning. He observed that in the concentration camps, those who were able to hold onto a deep sense of personal meaning—whether it was love, faith, or a commitment to a greater purpose—were more likely to endure the unimaginable.
Of course, most of us will never face conditions as extreme as Frankl’s, but the principle applies across all kinds of challenges. Research in positive psychology supports this: individuals who engage in values-based living report lower levels of anxiety and depression. In difficult times, values give us a framework for making sense of what’s happening and deciding how to move forward.
I saw this firsthand with a former student of mine. He had been on a clear career path for years, following a trajectory that seemed successful on paper—prestigious job, good salary, external validation. But when a personal crisis struck, everything unraveled. The career he had built no longer felt fulfilling, and he realized he had been prioritizing achievement over authenticity. That was the moment he had to step back and ask: What actually matters to me? It took time, but once he started aligning his actions with his values—choosing work that was meaningful to him rather than just impressive to others—his sense of purpose returned.
That’s the power of values. They don’t eliminate hardship, but they give us a way to move through it without losing ourselves. They help us make decisions with confidence, even when the future is unclear.
Think about a time in your own life when you faced uncertainty. Maybe it was a major life transition, a personal setback, or an unexpected loss. When everything around you felt unstable, what values helped you stay grounded? And if you struggled, was it because you weren’t clear on what those values were?
Let’s take this idea even further—what can we do to actively strengthen our connection to our values so that they aren’t just abstract ideas, but practical tools we use every day? Let’s explore that next.
One of the biggest reasons people feel disconnected from their values is that they’ve never taken the time to consciously define them. It’s easy to assume we know what we stand for, but when we’re asked to put it into words, many of us struggle.
That’s because values often operate beneath the surface. We don’t always articulate them, but they influence our decisions nonetheless. And when we don’t consciously recognize them, we’re more likely to be pulled in directions that don’t truly align with who we are.
So how do we strengthen our connection to our values? One of the simplest but most powerful exercises is value clarification. This is something psychologists use in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which emphasizes living a life guided by deeply held values rather than being ruled by fleeting emotions or external pressures.
Here’s an exercise I often recommend. Take a moment and think about three times in your life when you felt truly fulfilled—not just happy in the short term, but deeply at peace with yourself. What were you doing? Who were you with? What was present in those moments? Chances are, your core values were at play. Maybe it was a time when you helped someone and felt a strong sense of purpose. Maybe it was when you took a creative risk and felt truly alive. Maybe it was when you stood up for something, even when it was difficult.
Now think about the opposite—moments when you felt frustrated, lost, or uneasy. Were you in a situation that conflicted with your values? Did you compromise on something important? Those moments can be just as revealing.
I remember a time in my own life when I ignored my values, and I paid the price for it. I had an opportunity that seemed like the logical next step in my career. It checked all the right boxes—prestige, financial security, the kind of thing people congratulate you for. But something about it didn’t sit right with me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at the time, but looking back, I realize it was because it clashed with one of my core values: autonomy. I value independence, the ability to explore ideas freely and teach in a way that feels authentic to me. And this opportunity would have required me to conform to something that didn’t align with that. I took it anyway, convincing myself I was being practical. And for a while, I tried to make it work. But the longer I stayed, the more I felt like I was losing a piece of myself. That’s the thing about ignoring our values—it catches up with us, whether we acknowledge it or not.
So how do we make sure we’re living in alignment with our values? It starts with conscious reflection, but it doesn’t stop there. We have to actively incorporate them into our daily lives. That means making decisions—not just big, life-altering ones, but small, everyday choices—based on what truly matters to us. It means setting boundaries when something conflicts with our values. It means recognizing when we’re acting out of fear or obligation rather than integrity.
I want you to try something over the next week. Whenever you’re faced with a decision—big or small—pause for a moment and ask yourself: Does this align with my values? If the answer is yes, pay attention to how that feels. If the answer is no, ask yourself what’s influencing your choice. Is it pressure? Fear? Habit? Just that small act of awareness can be transformative.
Let’s wrap this up with a final reflection on why values are not just personal, but deeply connected to the way we engage with the world around us.
The way we live out our values doesn’t just shape our personal well-being—it influences everything around us. Our relationships, our work, our communities. When we act in alignment with what we truly believe, we show up in the world with integrity, and that has a ripple effect. People who know what they stand for tend to be more decisive, more resilient, and more authentic in their interactions.
But living by our values isn’t always easy. There will be times when doing so requires discomfort, when it means standing alone, making hard choices, or walking away from things that don’t serve us. That’s why so many people go through life avoiding these questions. It’s easier to follow the path of least resistance than to ask ourselves whether we’re living in a way that truly reflects who we are. But avoiding the question doesn’t change the reality. At some point, we all have to decide whether we’re going to let life pull us in a hundred different directions, or whether we’re going to take ownership of the choices we make.
So I’ll leave you with this: Take some time to reflect. Think about the values that matter most to you, not the ones you think you should have, but the ones that actually define who you are when you strip everything else away. And once you’ve identified them, start paying attention to how they show up in your daily life. Are you living in alignment with them? And if not, what would it take to change that?
Because at the end of the day, our values are one of the few things we truly own. Circumstances change, people change, but the core of what we stand for—that’s ours to define. And when we choose to live by it, we don’t just improve our own lives. We set an example for those around us.