Extinction Bursts: Why We Resist Change Before We Adapt
“Just before a habit dies, it screams the loudest. That’s the nature of an extinction burst. In this episode, I explore why change often feels hardest right before it sticks—and how understanding this psychological principle can help you break cycles, hold boundaries, and stop mistaking resistance for failure.”
Transcript
Welcome to The Psychology of Us. I’m Professor RJ Starr, and this is the podcast where we explore the psychological forces shaping the way we think, feel, and behave, sometimes in ways we don’t even realize.
Today, we’re diving into something that affects all of us, whether we recognize it or not. It’s a psychological principle called the extinction burst. If you’ve ever tried to quit a bad habit and found yourself doing it even more before you finally stopped, or if you’ve ever ignored someone’s text only to get five more messages in a row, then congratulations, you’ve witnessed an extinction burst in action.
This is a fascinating and often frustrating part of human behavior. It’s why quitting an addiction feels hardest right before the cravings disappear. It’s why children throw bigger tantrums when their demands are suddenly ignored. And it’s why we, as a society, often see intense resistance to change just before the change actually takes hold.
Once you understand extinction bursts, you’ll start noticing them everywhere. More importantly, you’ll recognize that when things seem like they’re getting worse, it might actually be a sign that they’re about to get better.
So let’s break it down. What is an extinction burst? Why does it happen? And how can understanding it help us break bad habits, set boundaries, and stay the course when things get difficult?
[Brief pause]
Alright, let’s start with something familiar. Have you ever used a vending ma chine? You put in your money, press the button, and expect a snack to drop down. But instead… nothing happens. The machine just sits there, silent.
Now, think about what you do next. You press the button again. Maybe harder this time. Maybe you press it repeatedly. You shake the machine, maybe give it a little kick. You might even reach your hand inside, convinced you can somehow force it to work. And then… finally, you give up. You walk away, frustrated, maybe even muttering to yourself about how this machine stole your money.
That moment, the frantic button pressing, the shaking, the frustration, is an extinction burst. Your brain is saying, ‘Wait a minute. This always worked before. Why isn’t it working now? Maybe I just need to try harder.’
This doesn’t just happen with vending machines. It happens with habits, relationships, social behavior, and even large-scale societal changes. When something we’ve been conditioned to expect suddenly stops happening, our instinct is not to let it go quietly. It’s to fight against the change, escalating our efforts before we finally, finally stop.
Psychologist B.F. Skinner, one of the pioneers of behavioral psychology, first observed this phenomenon in laboratory settings. He trained pigeons to peck at a button to receive food. But when he stopped dispensing the food, the pigeons didn’t just stop pecking. First, they pecked more. They pecked harder, faster, more erratically. Only when they exhausted every possible variation of their behavior did they finally give up.
Now, we’re not pigeons, but our brains operate on similar principles of reinforcement. If a behavior has worked for us in the past, we expect it to keep working. And when it suddenly stops, our instinct is to double down before we finally let it go.
So if you’ve ever found yourself spiraling into an old habit right before successfully quitting, or if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of someone escalating their demands before finally backing off, you’ve seen an extinction burst in real time.
The key to handling them is recognizing them for what they are, temporary resistance before permanent change.
[Pause]
In the next part of this episode, we’ll dive deeper into why extinction bursts happen, what’s going on in our brains when we experience them, and how understanding them can help us navigate our own behaviors and the behaviors of those around us. Stick with me, we’re just getting started.
So, what exactly is an extinction burst?
At its most basic level, an extinction burst is what happens when a behavior that was previously reinforced suddenly stops being rewarded. Instead of fading away immediately, the behavior spikes, becoming more intense, more frequent, sometimes even more desperate, before it eventually disappears.
You’ve experienced this, I guarantee it. Everyone has.
Imagine this: you’re at a vending machine. You put in your dollar, press the button, and expect to hear the familiar sound of your snack dropping into the tray. But instead… nothing happens. The machine just sits there, silent.
Now, what do you do?
Do you just walk away? No, probably not.
First, you press the button again. Maybe harder this time. Then you press it a few more times. If that doesn’t work, you might shake the machine, maybe even give it a frustrated little kick. And only after all of those failed attempts do you finally accept defeat and walk away.
That moment, the escalation of pressing the button harder, faster, in different ways before finally stopping, is a perfect example of an extinction burst.
Your brain is saying, "This always worked before. Why isn’t it working now? Maybe I just need to try harder."
This doesn’t just happen with vending machines. It happens with habits, relationships, social interactions, even large-scale societal behaviors.
And it isn’t just humans, it’s been observed across the animal kingdom.
One of the earliest and most famous studies on extinction bursts comes from the work of B.F. Skinner, one of the pioneers of behavioral psychology. Skinner trained pigeons to peck a button in exchange for food. They learned the pattern, press the button, get a food pellet. But then, he changed the rules. He stopped giving them the food.
And what happened?
Did the pigeons simply stop pecking? Not right away.
First, they pecked more, harder, faster, and in different variations, almost as if they were trying to “crack the code” and figure out why their usual behavior wasn’t working. They even started displaying frantic or unusual movements, as if they could somehow force the food to return.
Only after exhausting all these attempts did they finally stop.
Now, we’re obviously more complex than pigeons, but the fundamental principle is the same. If we’ve been rewarded for a certain behavior in the past, we come to expect that reward. And when it suddenly disappears, we don’t just give up. We fight against it, sometimes intensely, before the behavior finally fades.
This is why quitting a habit feels harder before it gets easier. It’s why ignoring someone’s text sometimes leads to an avalanche of messages. It’s why a child whose tantrums used to get them what they wanted might scream louder, cry harder, throw things, before they finally realize the tantrum isn’t going to work anymore.
Extinction bursts are deceptive. They make us think we’re failing when, in reality, they’re often a sign that we’re on the verge of change.
And that brings us to the next question: Why do we experience extinction bursts at all? What’s going on in the brain that causes this resistance to change?
Now let’s go deeper, why do extinction bursts happen in the first place? What’s going on in the brain that makes us react this way when reinforcement disappears?
At the core of it, extinction bursts are about expectation. Our brains are built to recognize patterns. We learn what works, and we come to rely on those patterns to navigate our daily lives. The more consistently a behavior has been rewarded in the past, the more we expect that it should keep working. And when it suddenly doesn’t, the brain doesn’t just shrug and move on, it resists. It escalates.
Think of it like this: the brain treats reinforcement as a contract with reality. It says, “When I do X, I should get Y.” So when you suddenly stop getting Y, the brain’s first response is, “That must be a mistake. Let me try harder.”
This is why, if you’ve been checking your phone first thing every morning for years, always finding a new email, a text, a notification, one morning without those things feels wrong. You might check again. Refresh your email. Open and close your apps. It’s not rational, you know nothing new has come in, but there’s a discomfort in the break of the pattern.
And this applies to much more than just minor habits. It’s why breaking any long-standing behavior, whether it’s smoking, eating late at night, or even arguing with a difficult person, feels so difficult at first. The behavior isn’t just fading quietly. The brain is pushing back, trying to reinforce the old pattern before it finally gives up.
B.F. Skinner’s experiments showed this clearly, but modern neuroscience gives us an even deeper look at why this happens. It all comes down to dopamine, the neurotransmitter that drives motivation, reward-seeking, and habit formation.
Dopamine is what keeps us engaged in behaviors that have historically benefited us. When we expect a reward and we don’t get it, our dopamine system doesn’t just go quiet, it spikes in frustration. This spike drives the urge to try harder, to push for the expected outcome even when it’s no longer coming.
This is why cravings increase before they disappear. Someone trying to quit smoking might find themselves obsessing about cigarettes more than ever in the first few days. Someone trying to cut back on alcohol might suddenly feel an overwhelming urge for a drink, stronger than before they even made the decision to quit. That’s not failure. That’s the extinction burst. The brain is scrambling to reestablish the old pattern before it’s forced to let it go.
And we see this not just with habits, but with relationships, too. Have you ever stopped responding to someone who was used to getting immediate replies from you? Maybe they sent one message, then two, then suddenly five in a row? That’s a social extinction burst. The person isn’t necessarily trying to be annoying, they’re just reacting to a disruption in their expected pattern.
In toxic relationships, this can take an even more extreme form. If someone is used to controlling another person, through manipulation, guilt, or even aggression, when their control stops working, they don’t usually back down immediately. They escalate first. They push harder, make bigger demands, lash out. It’s the same principle: a behavior that has worked in the past is no longer working, so they amplify it in an attempt to regain control.
The key to overcoming an extinction burst, whether it’s in a habit, a craving, or a relationship, is to recognize that the escalation is temporary. It feels urgent, like something you must respond to, but in reality, it’s the final stage before the behavior starts to fade.
This is where so many people get stuck. When the behavior spikes, they assume they’re failing. They assume the change isn’t working. But in reality, they’re right at the breaking point, the moment when the old pattern is starting to lose its grip.
So what do we do about it? How do we push through an extinction burst without giving in?
Now that we understand why extinction bursts happen, let’s talk about how they show up in everyday life. Because once you know what to look for, you start seeing them everywhere.
One of the most common places we see extinction bursts is in habit change. Anyone who has ever tried to quit a bad habit, whether it’s smoking, biting their nails, late-night snacking, or excessive social media use, knows exactly how this works.
Let’s take social media. Say you decide to cut back. You delete an app from your phone, determined to break the habit. At first, you feel good about it. But by mid-afternoon, you catch yourself reaching for your phone even more than usual. You start checking other apps, opening your email, maybe even reinstalling the app, justifying it with some excuse like, “I just need to check one thing.” That’s not a failure of willpower, that’s your brain experiencing an extinction burst. The habit was reinforced so many times that your brain is now desperately trying to restore the old pattern before it fades.
This is also why quitting addictive substances is so difficult. People trying to quit caffeine, alcohol, or nicotine often experience intense cravings right before their brain starts to adjust. The first few days are the hardest, not because quitting is impossible, but because the extinction burst makes it feel like the desire is stronger than ever. In reality, this is a last-ditch effort from the brain to cling to the old behavior.
There’s actually a famous study on this from the field of addiction research. Scientists studying withdrawal symptoms found that cravings tend to peak right before they start to decline. People assume that feeling the intense craving means they’re failing, but in reality, it’s often a sign that their brain is on the verge of letting go of the dependency.
And it’s not just habits, it’s also relationships and social dynamics.
Have you ever had a friend or partner who was used to getting a certain kind of reaction from you? Maybe they expected you to always be available, to respond immediately to their texts, or to drop everything when they needed you. Then one day, you set a boundary. You stop responding as quickly. You prioritize your own needs. And instead of backing off, they suddenly escalate. They send more messages. They try harder to get your attention. They become more persistent, maybe even guilt-tripping or manipulating.
That’s a social extinction burst. They expected reinforcement, the usual reaction, and when it didn’t come, they pushed harder.
This pattern is especially obvious in toxic or controlling relationships. When one person loses power over another, they don’t usually step away quietly. They escalate first. They test every possible way to regain control before finally accepting that they can’t.
We see this in the workplace, too. Let’s say a company changes a policy that employees don’t like. The employees might resist at first, complain more, push back, maybe even refuse to comply. But if the policy remains firm and leadership doesn’t cave, the resistance eventually fades. That initial surge of backlash? That’s an extinction burst. The same principle applies to broader social and political changes. The most intense pushback to a change often happens right before the new reality is fully accepted.
So if you ever find yourself in a situation where a behavior, your own or someone else’s, suddenly intensifies before disappearing, you’re probably witnessing an extinction burst in action.
But here’s the key: extinction bursts only work if we reward them. If we give in at the peak of the behavior, we reinforce it. We teach the brain, or the other person, that escalation is effective.
So how do we break the cycle? How do we move through an extinction burst without reinforcing the behavior we’re trying to eliminate? That’s what we’ll cover next. Stay with me.
So how do we handle extinction bursts? How do we push through them without reinforcing the very behaviors we’re trying to eliminate?
The first step is understanding that extinction bursts are temporary. They feel urgent. They feel intense. But they do not last. If you recognize what’s happening, you can avoid making the mistake that so many people make, giving in right when the old behavior is about to fade.
Let’s go back to the parenting example. A child who is used to getting candy at the store throws a tantrum when their parent suddenly stops buying it. The first few times, the tantrums don’t just continue, they escalate. The child cries louder, gets more dramatic, maybe even kicks and screams. And if the parent gives in at that moment, just to stop the screaming, they’ve now reinforced that bigger tantrums equal better results. The behavior is now even stronger than before.
But if the parent holds firm, if they push through the peak of the extinction burst without caving, the child eventually learns: tantrums no longer work. The behavior fades.
This principle applies to everything. Breaking a habit, enforcing a boundary, changing an unhealthy dynamic, it all follows the same psychological pattern.
So if you’re trying to quit a bad habit, expect that your cravings or urges will spike before they disappear. If you’re setting a boundary in a relationship, expect the other person to escalate before they back off. And if you’re implementing change in any aspect of your life, expect pushback before progress.
And here’s the most important thing: stay consistent. If you give in, even just once, you reset the entire process. You teach your brain, or the other person, that escalation works.
Now, that’s easier said than done. Extinction bursts can be uncomfortable, sometimes even painful. So the next step is managing the emotional response.
Let’s say you’re trying to cut back on caffeine, and your craving for coffee is overwhelming. Instead of panicking or assuming you’re failing, you reframe it: "This is my brain’s last attempt to hold onto an old pattern. If I ride this out, it will pass."
This works in relationships, too. If someone is escalating because you set a boundary, remind yourself: "This is just an extinction burst. They’re pushing harder because they realize the old behavior isn’t working anymore." That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate disrespect or aggression, it just means recognizing the psychological mechanism at play so you don’t fall into the trap of reinforcement.
Finally, one of the best ways to push through an extinction burst is to replace the old behavior with a new one. The brain doesn’t like a vacuum. If you’re trying to quit an old habit, it helps to introduce a new, positively reinforced behavior in its place.
For example, if you’re quitting smoking, replacing the ritual of cigarettes with deep breathing, chewing gum, or even holding something in your hands can help smooth the transition. If you’re stepping away from a toxic relationship, filling that space with new friendships, hobbies, or routines can make the adjustment easier.
The more you consciously reinforce a new pattern, the faster the old one fades.
So here’s the key takeaway: extinction bursts are not signs of failure. They are signs that change is happening. If you recognize them for what they are, you can navigate them with patience and confidence instead of frustration and self-doubt.
And if you’re in the middle of one right now, whether it’s a habit you’re trying to break, a boundary you’re trying to hold, or a change you’re trying to make, stick with it. If the behavior is escalating, that doesn’t mean you’re losing. It means you’re on the verge of winning.
The final thought I want to leave you with is this: when something is on the verge of extinction, it fights the hardest to survive. That’s what an extinction burst really is, a behavior’s last attempt to reclaim its place.
When you understand this, you gain power over it. You stop seeing resistance as a sign that you’re failing and start recognizing it as a sign that you’re close to success.
Think about this in your own life. If you’ve ever tried to break a habit and found yourself struggling more than ever in the first few days, that wasn’t failure, that was the extinction burst. If you’ve ever distanced yourself from a toxic person and they suddenly escalated their behavior to pull you back in, that wasn’t proof that the relationship was necessary, it was proof that they realized they were losing control.
And if you’ve ever felt like you were making real progress toward a goal, only to be met with intense resistance, whether from yourself, from others, or from the world around you, consider that maybe, just maybe, that resistance is not a wall. It’s a threshold. A point you have to push through to reach the other side.
This concept applies to so many aspects of life, personal growth, relationships, addiction recovery, even large-scale social changes. Things don’t usually fade away quietly. They escalate before they disappear. If you can recognize that pattern, you can stop getting discouraged when things seem to get worse before they get better. Instead, you’ll know, you’re on the right track.
So as you move forward, pay attention to the extinction bursts in your life. Whether it’s a craving you’re pushing through, a difficult transition you’re navigating, or a challenge you’re facing, remind yourself: this is temporary. If I don’t give in, it will fade.
Thank you for joining me today on The Psychology of Us. I hope this episode has given you a new perspective on why we resist change before we adapt, and more importantly, how you can use this knowledge to move forward with confidence.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Have you noticed extinction bursts in your own life? Send me an email at ProfRJStarr@outlook.com, I read every message, and I’d love to continue the conversation with you.